We grew up watching
classics like Cinderella, Coming to America, Pretty Woman, Nollywood’s Violated
and a couple of other movies where love conquered the social class divide.
Fast forward to 2017, the Internet rules; anyone can meet anyone,
and nobody kicks up a fuss about cross-class relationships or marriages
anymore. It is not considered overtly scandalous. We no longer factor it in
when considering the root of our relationship problems, and we look to
psychology or gender norms instead when trying to figure out why our partner is
being an ass. We pretend that we live in a classless society where background
does not matter as much as present compatibility. Things are changing and
people’s classes are no longer inscribed in stone.
Believe it or not though, social class or shall we say
socio-economic differences, still pose a very difficult challenge in
relationships today. Anyone who has dated someone outside their social class
can affirm that there are strange tensions and inevitable speed bumps that come
with these kinds of relationships. It can be fraught with complications.
For instance, your boyfriend could be from a high-class, wealthy
family while you come from a working-class family with less money. He travels a
lot and has been to all these places around the world just for fun, while you
have never crossed the borders of Nigeria. You start to think you cannot keep
up with him because you have to be extremely careful with money. Also, you know
that the only way both of you could travel together on a regular basis is if he
pays for you, and that just seems wrong.
Likewise, it could be the other way round and you are the girl
from an upper-middle-class family, while your man has a working class
background. Of course, financial equality does not mean cultural equality, so
you wonder why he attaches too much importance to simple things like good food
or designer labels. He, on the other hand, gets exasperated by your easy-come-easy-go
spending attitude.
A couple of days ago, while having drinks with some friends at
Intercontinental hotel (which turned out to be a horrible experience, as the
place is nothing like a 5 star hotel…or even a 4 star -the food is substandard
and the roof of the bar leaks), a friend mentioned her recent experience on a
date. She had gone out with a guy who, although was wealthy, obviously had a
working-class background. Being a girl brought up in an upper-middle-class
home, the first thing she noticed was the huge gap in their personalities.
According to her, his mentality was very different from hers. While he had
asked her to pick any venue -a way to let her know he could afford her tastes,
he had hinted on the food being overpriced (although, he could clearly afford
it) and exhibited terrible table manners. Also, he had felt the need to talk
about his achievements and how he had risen above all …as though she made him
feel insecure, and he needed a form of validation from her. Again, there was the
fact that his diction was flawed, and their experiences growing up were very
different.
Of course, her intention was not to ridicule the guy. She had
shared her experience to find out if her declining a second date with the guy
and refusing to speak to him again afterward portrayed her as being a snob.
Another friend who was out with us, *Bisi, jumped in and assured her that she
made the right call nipping it all in the bud – she was better off with someone
in her class.
Bisi spoke from experience, seeing as she had married into a super
wealthy home despite being from a lower middle-class home. Prior to
her marriage there had been endless disputes over her husband marrying down,
and her family’s wealth being all too recently acquired. According to
her, while cross-class pairings or relationships seemed egalitarian, it was
complicated and required a lot of work. Bisi stated that stereotypical class
prejudices are real – in any cross-social class relationship, both parties
would have differing views, beliefs, attitudes, and practices on things such as
child-rearing, money management, career advancement, how to spend leisure time
e.t.c. This would go on to stir feelings of insecurity, resentment, usually in
the partner on the “lower” side of this difference. And as a result, there will
be a lot of negative pressure, tension, conflict as well as a sort of imbalance
in the relationship, making it difficult for the couple to last long or even
survive.
Bisi went on to share some of her experiences in marriage which
all seemed a little incredible, and in between laughs, it dawned on me that I’d
never dated anyone outside of my socioeconomic strata, which I’d describe as
middle class. I have never been with any one of the glitterati nor have I been
with a blue collar. Obviously, I have nothing against it, but it certainly
would be quite a chore building a relationship with someone from a dramatically
different social background, wouldn’t it? Sure, all relationships take work,
but with a combination maturity and a willingness to healthily compromise, you
can overcome any relationship problem. However, it is better to opt for one
which isn’t already threatened by the boundaries of class at the initial
point…don’t you think?
Have you ever dated someone with a richer or poorer background
than yours? What were the issues? How did it work out?
About Nkem Ndem
Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who
can be reached for online writing(web content and blog) and editing,
screenwriting, ghost writing, copy proofreading and reviews. She has since
worked with Jumia, SpiceTV Africa, and Bella Naija. Check out her Instagram:
@kem_dem, twitter: @ndemv and snapchat:@ndemv. Email: nkemndemv@gmail.com.
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