Tuesday 20 March 2018

#StoryTuesday: Suicide Note (Page Four)

Few weeks ago we began a new story on our #StoryTuesday series. The story is titled 'Suicide Note' and new episodes will be published on Tuesdays. Suicide Note will be written in pages (episodes) and here is the link to Page three in case you missed it. Continue reading page three below:
If you are reading this, it means it's too late to help, I am not going to blame anyone for my actions instead I will tell you my story and let you be the judge. 

At times I wonder what would have happened if aunty Florence had just helped my mum find a man who could take care of her. I wonder what if she had not met Daniel probably my life won't have turned this way, if my mum wasn't always getting drunk almost every night, I am sure I would have told her that I was abused sexually though back then I didn't know what I would have called it but at least I would have been able to tell her what aunty Florence and her friend were doing to me.

If you are reading this, I want you to picture how much mess it was for a child to literally witness different men sleeping with with his mother almost every night. I know this might sound funny but if there is one thing I can't get out of my head, it is the way my mum's b00bs bounces up and down when she bends down for one of those men to ride her from behind. After my mum got back from jail, she almost took her life if not for aunty Florence who stopped her that night I might have been a complete orphan by now. There are times I think about that too, maybe I would have been better off if she had just killed herself at least I won't have to watch her destroy herself.

Before I stop talking about my mum, let me just say that she got help, she got better, at least the last time I saw her she was looking healthy. Mummy if you are reading this, it means it's too late to help me, I want you to know that I do love you and I don't blame you for how my life turned out, I guess I was also messed up in my own way. I also want you to forgive aunty Florence in as much as she was using me as her pleasure object she had some positive impact in my life. Remember the scholarship I won that you said I couldn't go because you couldn't let your only child out of your sight, she was the one that stayed with me all through the night to make sure I studied hard and of course without her, I am not sure my speech would have been this perfect, so please mum find it in your heart to forgive her.

The first time aunty Florence made me touch  her was the day I went to her house, I had just returned from school and I needed to do some homework, usually she would have been in my house but since I didn't meet her I decided to go look for her. She invited me to her room, took a look at my homework and she put me through, then I went to the sitting room to continue with it. After I was done I went back to the room to show her so that he could cross check like she does, I got into the room and I met her almost naked on the bed, I quickly ran out of the room apologizing as I did, she used her towel to cover herself and came to the sitting room. When I saw her I was scared to death as I started to apologize, “I am sorry, I didn't know, aunty Florence I am sorry” I said continuously but she just stood there looking at me smiling. After a while she said "leave your assignment and follow me to the room”, to be honest I started crying because I felt I was in for it and the fact that she didn't even say a word after that just made my tears and begging much louder. 

As we got to the room, she sat on the bed and told me to move closer to her and as I did, she told me to stop crying, she said she knew I didn't come in on purpose, so I should stop crying. She wiped my tears as I comported myself, she then asked me what part of her body I saw, at first I said I didn't see anything but she touched my head saying she wasn't going to beat me that I should just tell her the truth. I told her I said I saw a quick flash of her b00bs, she smiled for a while and that left me confused, in my mind I was thinking what was making her smile but I got more confused when she said "will you like to see it fully?”. My throat became dry, words weren't coming out from my mouth and for the first time in a long while, I lost my voice. While I was still struggling to gather words out of my mouth she took my hands and placed it on her 'oranges' and said "don't be shy, you can touch it” then she left my hand on it. Like a stature my hands just remained there as I didn't even know what to say or how to act, I eventually took my hands off her and said "I am sorry”. She smiled as she ask me what I was sorry for, before I could say anything she took off her towel and said “I want you to touch it”, I didn't know when I urinated on my body.

Next episode next week Tuesday

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