You
cringe at the thought of saying no. You obsess about what others think of
you and whether you’re doing something to make them dislike you. You live your
life based on the opinions of others because you are deathly afraid of
disappointing them. Do any of these sound familiar? You are likely a
chronic people pleaser. It’s hard not to struggle with people-pleasing at one
time or another in our lives. As social beings, it’s in our nature to get
along with others; our survival and success depend on it.
However,
there is a fine line between healthy social behavior and the experience of
emotional depletion caused by chronic people-pleasing. In addition to being
emotionally drained, you may find yourself compromising on your principles and
values in order to be accepted. As you help others to get what they want, your
own health and well-being will suffer. As a recovering people pleaser myself,
I’ve observed these five common signs of chronic people-pleasing and some
ways to overcome it:
1. You’re incapable of saying no.
Do you
find it painfully hard to turn down the requests of family, friends, and even
acquaintances or strangers? You really want to say no, but instead, you say yes
to their various demands. Before you know it, you’ve become the go-to person
when something needs to get done. From the small to the large, you take on
every task. You may even be considered a hero to some. But on the inside,
you’re suffering. You genuinely want to help others, but you also know that you
are depleting your own resources with every “yes.” You may fear that
you’ll lose your friendships and good reputation by saying no. After
all, last thing you want to be called is selfish.
Solution: First,
realize that your capacity to care for others and your capacity to care for
yourself are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the two are intimately related.
Second, understand that you are not responsible for the happiness of those
around you. They are. Let these two realities give you permission to say
no. Start practicing with small requests. Refuse kindly, and without apology.
2. You avoid making decisions or sharing your
opinions.
Do you
have a hard time voicing your opinions and feelings in a group setting or with
close friends? Do you constantly allow others to make decisions for you? You
understand a deep truth about decisions and opinions: they divide. However,
it’s not in your nature to cause division by speaking up, so you remain
silent to avoid conflict. Over time, this behavior is deadly, because as
you defer to the opinions and decisions of others, you are silencing your
own voice. This will rob the world of your unique perspectives and gifts.
Solution: Remember
that you can disagree without being disagreeable. People can have divergent
opinions and still treat each other with respect and kindness. So give voice to
your thoughts, concerns, and needs. By speaking up, you may rock the boat. You
may even be outvoted. But if you treat others with respect, they will respect
you even when they disagree with your opinions and choices.
3. You’re crushed when you discover someone
doesn’t like you.
This is
a hard one. It seems reasonable to assume that if you go out of your way to
please everyone, then everyone will like you. But it’s not true.
Some people will dislike you simply because of who you are or for reasons
outside of your control. You understand this intellectually, but you cannot
stop trying to win the few holdouts.
Solution: Closely
examine your desire to be liked by everyone. Did this originate in your childhood,
as you tried to win the affections of family members or friends at school? Use
tools such as reflection, meditation, and counseling to help you let go of past
negative experiences. As social beings, we need to be loved and
accepted - but not by everyone. Decide whose love and affection is worth
the effort and whose is not.
4. You’re resentful of others but are not
sure why.
This
often happens when we suppress our feelings and needs over the long term. Do
you feel unexplained anger toward your close friends, spouse, or boss? The
anger is your subconscious telling you that you have been neglecting yourself
while helping others advance their goals. Think of this resentment as the
“check engine” light turning on in your car. Don’t ignore it.
Solution: Face
the truth of what is going on in your life. If you’re feeling
overextended or taken advantage of, acknowledge these feelings. Avoid
second-guessing yourself. Find time for self care, and make this a priority.
5. You’re unaware of how far you’re willing to
go – until you’re in over your head.
This is
a sure sign that you lack proper boundaries. You avoid setting limits
because you believe this runs counter to having a generous spirit. But this
simply allows people greater latitude to intrude into your life. The requests
may become more and more unreasonable and you may not realize it until someone
has crossed the line. If you’ve taken on too much, you may experience passive
aggressive behavior, crying for no apparent reason, anxiety, or
depression.
Solution: Be
willing to admit that your time and energy are limited, not because you’re
selfish, but because it’s the truth. Boundaries are simply a recognition of
that truth. Do not be afraid to set your boundaries and enforce them. It will
take a while for you and others to get used to it, but you’ll experience an
increased sense of well-being, and people will learn to accept your limits.
Be more generous to yourself
You can
be generous without allowing yourself to be used. You can be kind without being
a pushover. You can be well-liked without having to sell your soul. Don’t allow
your fears and insecurities to turn you into a chronic
people-pleaser. Instead, make time to please one of the most important
people in your life: you. Why? Because when you care for yourself, you can care
for others out of the abundance of your own well-being. You will do this not
because you are afraid of losing their affection, but simply because you want
to. You will experience true freedom. So decide today to give yourself the same
love and attention you give to others. This is one decision you won’t regret.
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